ugly heart
by tatty ted
Summary: Poppy Lawson isn't the only one who has returned to Waterloo Road, she's brought her sister along for company. Now both girls are back together and back where they belong, will they continue to create havoc? Or will Scotland be the turning point in their lives and behaviour?. - —OC. 4/4.
1. CHAPTER I

**notes** **— **this is the long awaited sequel to _scarred, darkness & stars._

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ugly heart  
_a waterloo road fanfiction_

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I stood outside school, twenty-minutes early, sucking on my cigarette. Blowing the smoke out slowly, I seated myself on the steps outside and stared at the gravel whilst thinking about home. Home, oh how I hated it.

I'd moved to Scotland to carry on my education at Waterloo Road. It _did_ seem a ridiculous idea at first but it grew on me, moving away. Ronan didn't think so I left him in Rochdale with Samuel our son and Kimberly and I moved here.

However, Ronan couldn't cope on his own, moved back in with me and now we have the _perfect_ family unit. Only it isn't perfect because Kimberly's jealous, all Samuel does is cry and Ronan and I no longer talk unless it's to scream at each other and throw a few plates in each others direction.

I stubbed out the cigarette on the steps and flicked the cigarette butt away. I twisted the ring that was hanging on a chain around my neck, the ring Dave had given me before Kimberly was born. Although it had been years, his death was still there, still raw.

"Morning Poppy."

I looked up from staring at the floor and spotted Mr Byrne walk towards me, "Morning Sir."

"Eager to start as usual?"

"You know me Sir." I smiled and he walked into the school. I'd only been there a week and already it felt like I'd been there forever. Of course, the move had been plaqued with difficulties. Denzil died not long after Sam, his sister and my best friend died and Tariq was paralysed.

I took my cigarettes out of my bag and was about to put one in my mouth and lit it when I heard Mrs Diamond's voice; "Poppy, not on school property."

I made eye contact with her, flashed her an innocent smile and put my cigarettes back in my handbag, "Are you the reason we're finding cigarette butts on school grounds?"

"Me?" I put my hand on my chest and smiled; "No Miss, not me. Sorry Miss, it won't happen again."

"It best not do." She smiled softly and I laughed. Sian wasn't all bad, she was quite funny when she wanted to be but very strict. If you didn't do your coursework, you'd bloody well know about it.

I waited until she was out of sight, took my cigarettes out and lit one up. I'd smoked half when I noticed that there were loads of people turning up now and I stubbed it out, put it in my cigarette packet and pushed them further into my handbag.

I took a bottle of perfume out of my handbag, sprayed myself and popped a chewing gum in my mouth. All fresh. I saw Josh walking up and I ran towards him and hugged him tightly whilst shouting; "Joshua!"

"Nice to see you too Poppy." He said as I let him breath, "Why are you so happy? Finally sorted things with Ronan?"

As Josh was the only one still at Waterloo Road and one of my best friend, I confide in him a lot. He knew all about mine and Ronan's problems and how I felt about Samuel and Kimberly.

I scoffed, "Sorted it out? I wish, look." I pointed to my forehead where you could see a slight bruise, "He threw a plate at me this morning, right in front of Kimberly."

"What did you do to him first?"

I looked at him, pure innocence on my face; "Nothing." Seeing Josh's face, I sighed; "Alright I kicked him in the balls."

"You and him, you need to sort it out. Think about Kimberly and Samuel, do they really need their parents knocking ten bells out of each other? Either work it out or leave. It's really not that difficult Poppy."

"Have you ever thought about starting a career as an advice guru? No, perhaps you should." I answered and stormed into the school. As much as I knew he was right, I didn't want to hear it. I knew Ronan and I were going to split up, I _knew_ it and I couldn't help but blame myself because I was the one stupid enough to get pregnant with Samuel.

I sat in my form room, minding my own business when my mobile phone rang. Knowing the policy on mobile phones, I took it out of my pocket and looked at the number. It was Ronan so I disconnected the call. I was about to put it in my handbag when I saw Ms Mulgrew.

"Phone please Poppy."

I put it in my handbag, "I'm allowed to keep in on Miss. In case anything happens to my children."

"Yeah she's allowed to keep it on because she's a skank." I heard Rhiannon say and her friends laughed. Ms Mulgrew didn't say anything but it really didn't surprise me, she hadn't like me since day one really. No idea why, maybe it was because I was outspoken.

As for Rhiannon, I hated her but I'd grown up. I told myself that this year was going to be different. No more violence or attitude problems, just me trying to get my A-Levels and better my life for my children.

Only we'll see how far we actually get with that promise shall we?

Rhiannon and her little blonde friend sat behind me. All through registration, she kept kicking my chair, poking me in the back, throwing things and pulling my hair. I did well, I didn't retaliate. If I did, I'd only fuel her vendetta against me.

Maybe she thought I was harmless, some little slag who wouldn't hit her back. She definitely didn't know me at all because I was always one for violence. I was just trying not to this year because I needed these A-levels more then anything.

Feeling her pull my hair again, I sighed. Maybe I'd have to break my dry spell to teach her a thing or two about respect.

I turned around; "Do you mind pulling my hair?"

"No I like it actually." She went to pull my hair again and I grabbed her arm, "Touch me again and I will break your neck. Don't think I'm joking because I'm not."

She shook her arm free from my grasp and for the last five minutes of registration, I was left alone in peace. As the bell rang for the beginning of first lesson, I stood up only to be knocked flying. My fall was broken by the table and I turned around.

I saw the smirk on her face and I saw red, "You fat bitch!" I screamed as I grabbed her hair and held her head against the table, "You fat fucking bitch!"

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**jottings** — a new poppy story, i know it's been a while. you don't have to read the other stories to read this one. i hope you like it enough to favourite/alert but please, don't forget to leave a review;3 i well bum off them.


	2. CHAPTER II

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**CHAPTER TWO.**

I heard the class gasp then the chants of _fight, fight, fight_ whilst I continued to hold her head to the table.

"Poppy let her go!" Ms Mulgrew said but I ignored her. I held her head to the table harder before I grabbed a handful of hair, pulled her up and threw her against the wall. I heard her back collide with the wall and I smiled;

"You want a fight? I'll give you a fight. Now _don't_ start on me if you can't handle it."

"Cooler now!" I looked at Ms Mulgrew and sighed. I wanted to call her a bitch or something, start an argument with her but I didn't. Instead I bit my tongue, picked up my bag and barged my way past the other students.

Once I reached the cooler, I pulled open the door, slammed it shut and threw my handbag on the desk. As I sat down, I wasn't surprised to find myself the only one in the cooler. Not many people got sent there these days so I'd been told.

I rested my head on my arms and fell asleep! I really didn't know how long I'd been there but I felt a hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me awake; "Poppy?"

I lifted my head up from the desk and blinked several times. Tom Clarkson, my former English teacher was looking at me with a puzzled expression on his face. I ran a hand through my hair and smiled softly;

"Sir?"

"Are you okay?"

I stood up feeling my cheeks burn in embarrassment and picked up my handbag. As I put it on my shoulder, I made eye contact with him;

"Sorry Sir, it won't happen again."

As I reached the door and put my hand on the door handle he answered; "Wait a minute." Again, I turned my body and looked at him. There was a silence between us before he asked; "Are you sure everything's okay?"

"Course, I just fell asleep that's all." I smiled and he nodded for me to leave. I opened the door and walked out as quickly as possible. As I turned the corner, I leant against the wall and took a deep breath.

I'd fallen asleep in the cooler for the first time since starting Waterloo Road.

I looked around making sure nobody was around and took my timetable from my handbag. As I had fallen asleep, I didn't know what lesson I should've been in. I was presuming I'd missed the first lesson and this was my second lesson which to my surprise was Science.

I slowly walked towards the classroom and felt the vibrations of my phone. I looked at the caller ID and noticed it was Ronan and sighed. As I accepted the call and pressed the phone to my ear, I said gently; "Hello?"

_"Why've you not answered your phone?"_

"Well duh in case you've forgotten I'm at school. I can't answer your calls every five minutes."

_"What if it was something important?"_

"Is it important? Nope, it's most likely you complaining about your fruit and veg store and blah, blah, blah."

_"Yeah that's right, I can't be looking after your children whilst you go back to school. I have to work to put a roof over our head."_

I kicked the wall in front of me because he really was doing my head in; "My children? My children? They're _our_ children Ronan and it's about time you pulled your finger out your arse and started being a father."

_"Yeah but Kimberly—"_ He stopped before he actually said it but I knew he was about to say that Kimberly wasn't his daughter.

"You know something Ronan, you really are a slimy little bastard. Say it why don't you? Kimberly isn't your daughter so that gives you the right to treat her like shit. Just you fucking wait until I get home Ronan Burley."

I disconnected the call before we could have a full blown argument and shoved my phone in my handbag. As I did, I noticed some other students look at me and I asked; "What the hell are you staring at?" They began to mutter to themselves and I leant against the wall, trying to steady my breathing.

I could feel the tears burning my eyes but I refused to cry over him! He was a bastard and I wasn't going to cry.

(_I wasn't, wasn't, wasn't_.)

I was in a world of my own thinking about tonight and how Ronan and I were going to argue. I hated arguing, I really did but sadly, that's all we could do. Communication wasn't our strongest point now we'd become parents.

I wiped away the tear and hoped nobody had noticed but I wasn't so lucky.

"Poppy?" I looked up and sniffed, my eyes falling upon Mrs Diamond. She studied my face for a moment, "Poppy are you okay?"

I nodded before another tear rolled down my cheek. She smiled softly and gestured for me to come into the classroom. As I closed the door, she tilted her head to the side, "Are you sure everything's okay?"

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**jottings** — thanks for all the alerts/favourites/reviews; nice to know Poppy's loved! should update this story every other day/two days but could be limited to one update a week depending on coursework. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review;3


	3. CHAPTER III

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**C****HAPTER THREE**.

I leant against the desk as I fiddled with my fingers, "Not really." She gestured for me to sit down and I sat on the edge of the table, swinging my legs backwards and forwards as I felt another tear roll down my cheek.

"Ronan and I, we're not getting on too well."

Sian smiled softly; "The struggles of parenthood?"

I nodded slowly, "If I'd known we'd be acting like this when I was pregnant I'd—I would've got rid of him. And it sounds so heartless because I love him more than anything in the whole wide world. I just—I don't think I can go on anymore."

There was a pause and I wiped away the tears rolling down my cheeks. She edged the box of tissues towards the edge of the desk and I grabbed a handful. As I wiped my eyes, Sian said gently;

"Can you not talk to him? Tell him how you feel?"

I laughed, "No. He—we—don't talk. That's the problem. He's started to take it out on Kimberly and I don't want her to feel like we don't love her. _I_ love her but I know she feels replaced by Samuel as she's not getting enough attention and when she does get attention, it's Ronan been a prick to her, 'cuse my french."

There was a silence before she asked gently, "Can Kimberly's father not help out?"

"He's dead." I said rather bluntly. I saw her face fall and I smiled softly as she said she was sorry. I was used to people apologizing like it was their fault that Dave had died. They weren't.

I said thank you for her being so understanding and I took a seat at my usual desk and took out my books and pencil case.

A couple of minutes later, the rest of the class came in talking amongst themselves and Sian told them to be quiet. As they sat down, I was relieved that nobody chose to sit next to me, sometimes I liked having my own space.

As much I enjoyed science, I knew this lesson was going to drag. It _always_ dragged when I was in one of those moods. I bit my lower lip as she began to explain what she wanted us to do today and I opened my notebook, wrote the date and title and unlined it.

After explaining the objective and what we were doing, she handed us back the essay we completed last week. As she handed mine to me, she told me it was amazing, one of the best essay's she'd ever read at A-level.

On the front in red pen was a A* in a circle and I smiled. Maybe I could become a Doctor after all.

/

After the lesson, I walked up to the desk and I handed back my essay to Sian, "I've never got an A star before so can you keep hold off my essay, just so I don't lose it?" She smiled and said she'd keep hold of it. After, I left the classroom in a better place than I was when I walked in an hour earlier.

After Science, there was another break and I slowly walked to the bathroom, having dropped my books off at my locker. As I opened the door, I saw Rihannon and I knew I should've walked away. I didn't turn around and walk away, if she wanted to fight, I was going to give her a fight.

She caught my gaze and smiled; "Well, well, well."

I dropped my handbag on the floor and took off my blazer. As I rolled up my sleeves, I answered back; "If you think you can handle it Rihannon, don't want you to get a sore head do we?"

She walked towards me and went to grab my hair. She got a handful and I grabbed some of her hair, trying to fight back as much as I could. She brought her knee to my face and I suddenly felt pain in my nose.

She suddenly let go off me as if I wasn't going to hurt her now I was hurt. Instead, I smiled softly and went for her hair. As I got a handful, I dragged her towards the wall.

"Seriously, don't make a fucking enemy out of me, you fat bitch!"

"Let go off my fucking hair!" As I threw her into the wall, I let go off her hair. Our eyes connected for a moment or two and I ran out of the toilets. She caught me in the corridor and shoved me against the wall.

"You're in for it, you stupi-" She couldn't finish her sentence as I punched her in the mouth. The people in the corridor gasped and Rihannon and I started fighting again. I felt a pair of hands pulling me back but it just made me want to fight more.

"Get your hands off me!" I hissed and I saw it was Mr Byrne. He took one look at Rihannon and I and told us to get to his office. I collected my things from the girl's bathroom and walked very slowly to the headteachers office.

/

The bang of the door made me jump and I stood still, my eyes fixed on the floor.

"What the hell is going on with the pair of you?!" Neither Rihannon or I said anything. I personally, didn't speak because I knew I wouldn't keep my mouth shut and I'd end up saying something I'd regret. Rihannon on the other hand, she was probably scared of the consequences.

"Apprently it's not the first time you've been fighting today, is that true?"

I nodded, feeling quiet ashamed that I, eighteen year old Poppy Lawson was being bollocked for something trivial. There was a silence and I silently prayed he wouldn't exclude me. I definitely didn't need that on my school record.

"Lunchtime detention both of you."

I almost breathed a sigh of relief. A lunchtime detention was better then an exclusion. If I'd been excluded, I'd have to go home. Back to Ronan, back to the fighting. As he dismissed us from the other, I saw Rihannon mouth; _You're dead._

I knew she meant it and I knew I was in trouble but I could handle it.

I was born to be a survivor.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave me a review. cannot wait for my night out on the 29th, proper looking forward to it. time to get absolutely smashed again :3


	4. CHAPTER IV

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**CHAPTER FOUR**.

I sat at the back of the cooler, fiddling with the ring on my finger. Lunchtime detention wasn't too bad for fighting, normally in those situations it was a three day exclusion, least that's what Mrs Fisher would've given you.

Rihannon sat at the front away from me. I was glad, I knew I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue if she mouthed something to me. I wasn't going to change who I was, if someone was going to be a bitch then I was going to say something. I couldn't help it, that was part of my personality.

Thankfully lunchtime detention didn't drag and afterwards I had English with Mr Clarkson. As I left the cooler, I caught up with Scout and Phoenix and we walked towards our english lesson slowly.

"Heard you had a fight with Rihannon?" Scout asked and I nodded my head.

"The fat bitch started it, I just finished it."

"Fought you said you weren't fighting this year?" Phoenix answered back and I looked at him, "Well I wouldn't if stupid, immature bitches left me alone. Honestly, people are happy to point the finger and accuse me when they need to look closer at who's making whos life a misery. You get me?"

They nodded and I smiled softly, "Anyway, what are your plans for this weekend?"

They both answered that they didn't have anything planned and I told them my plans of going out into town clubbing and that. They both said they were underage. I laughed softly as I answered back; "They don't give a shit about how old you are or ID and stuff, come on guys. Pleaseeee."

Eventually after persuading them with the most annoying voice ever, they agreed to come clubbing with me at the weekend. I clapped my hands excitedly, now I really couldn't wait. We reached the classroom and walked inside before I took a seat in the middle of the classroom.

Halfway through the lesson, as he rambled on about Hamlet or something, a note landing on my desk. I frowned, picked up the paper and unfolded it. Written in red pen was a note telling me to meet Rihannon at half three at the side of the school.

I tore up the note, placed it into my pocket and sighed. I wasn't going to get out of this one easily.

/

I'd completely forgotten the note until I was leaving school. As I was walking down the steps at the front of the school, someone thought it was funny to push me. I didn't fall down the stairs, I only stumbled but I knew who exactly was behind it.

I knew she wasn't going to let it go until one of us was seriously injured. She hated my guts and to be fair, I hated hers. I didn't go to meet her though, not because I was a pussy or a chicken or whatever you wanted to call me. I wanted to be the bigger person.

The walk home felt like it took forever and I was constantly looking over my shoulder hoping she wasn't behind me and going to attack me when I was off guard. Eventually, just before four, I reached home and unlocked the door.

"Ronan I'm home." I shouted and closed the door behind me. As I put the keys on the table, I slipped off my shoes and went upstairs to change into something more comfortable. As I came back down the stairs, I heard Ronan in the kitchen on the phone to someone.

"Babe, I'm gonna have to go, the bitch is back." I stood at the doorway, my hand on my hip. He met my eye contact and I knew he'd been caught cheating red handed. He ended the phone call and put the phone on the counter.

"Who is she?"

"Who is who?"

I walked towards him, "Don't fucking insult me Ronan. Who's your slut?"

I stared into his eyes and I remembered exactly why I fell in love with him. He was the kind of person who could make you laugh, be there for you and pick you up when you were down. It made me more aware that I had changed his personality by having Samuel.

_I_ had changed our relationship by adding something neither of us were emotionally ready for.

"Nobody you're—" He began but I punched him. I actually hit him and I was shocked myself. I'd never hit him before, neither of us had hit each other, we only ever threw a couple of plates and whatever in each others direction.

He didn't retaliate, I think he was in shock but then I felt a sharp pain in my cheek and I realised he'd punched me back.

"You're a stupid bitch." He said before grabbing his phone and leaving. As he slammed the front door closed behind him, I turned round and spotted Kimberly stood in the doorway, still wearing her school uniform.

As I walked towards her, I noticed she had tears in her eyes.

"Mummy, why did daddy hit you?" I sighed. I couldn't tell her the truth could I? That I'd hit him first and it was only right I was to be punched back? Instead, I kissed the top of her head and hugged her tightly before whispering back;

"It doesn't matter, don't be scared. Mummy and daddy, we'll sort it out."

But it was only as I was putting Kimberly and Samuel to bed that night that I wondered if my relationship with Ronan could ever be saved?

Maybe this was the beginning of the end. Maybe we couldn't put the differences behind us.

/

"Sorry I'm late." I said as I rushed through the door of my form room in the morning ten minutes late. My uniform looked scruffy, my hair was wild and I haven't even had chance to put on my school tie yet!

"What happened to you?" I shook my head at Josh's question as I sat down next to him and whispered back, "Long story."

I put on my school tie and sorted out my uniform as best as I could before running a hand through my hair.

"He hit you didn't he?" Josh stated and I looked at him, "No!"

"Then how did you get the bruise?"

I sighed, was it really that obvious that Ronan and I were continuing to fight?

"I hit him first so he hit me back." He was about to answer with another question when Ms Mulgrew told us to be quiet and you know, for the first time in my life I actually followed orders. The thought of talking about Ronan made me feel sick and I didn't want to think about him today.

I wasn't going to think about him today.

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**jottings** — Like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review? THANKS:3 I might be able to update on _saturday _if the coursework doesn't look too bad, keeps your fingers and toes crossed for me guys. Thanks for sticking with this story, even though updates are shocking. x


	5. CHAPTER V

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**CHAPTER FIVE**.

"You two shouldn't be together." He whispered back and I nodded. I knew that, if we were physically violent what was stopping us from going all the way and killing each other? All day people questioned me, asked me how I got the bruise.

I lied. It was a mixture of — _oh **that**, i walked into the door. _Or, _samuel hit me in the face with his toy. _It was bound to be talk of the school, (you seen poppy, she's got a bruise.) Rumors of "I wonder if her fella's hitting her." Those questioning looks as you walked down the corridor.

The teachers were the worst, well the majority. Not many noticed but that did me just fine, I was sick of them asking whether everything was okay and I knew where they were if I ever needed to talk. Obviously, I didn't reveal anything, I didn't want anyone thinking badly of Ronan.

_I_ was the bitch in our relationship.

At half past two, I left school early to pick up Samuel from Nursery and Kimberly from school. I wondered how Kimberly and Samuel had gotten on today, especially as Kimberly had witnessed the fight between Ronan and I.

I picked up Samuel as he was closer to Waterloo Road then Kimberly. I stood in the baby room, ducks and autumn things stuck on the wall, all the children around my legs and I tried to listen to what the Nursery Nurse was saying about Samuel's day routine.

It was hard though when you had a baby biting your shoulder.

"Mummy's missed you." I said to him and kissed him all over his face. He reminded me so much of Ronan that it broke my heart. He had definitely inherited her father's beautiful eyes. I strapped him into the pram that I'd kept at Nursery and gave him his dummy before leaving.

"We're going to pick up Kimberly now." I told him as I walked towards the bus stop and took out my free bus pass that enabled me to travel on any bus for free. We got to Kimberly's school for three and I stood beside Meghan, a woman who's son Jacob was in the same class as Kimberly.

"Hey." I said to her as I looked at Samuel. He'd fallen asleep and I smiled at the sight, he looked like butter wouldn't melt.

"Bless isn't he a cutie?" She said and I smiled softly, "Of course he is, how's Jacob?"

"He's good thanks, he won his first football trophy the other day."

After a small talk, Kimberly and Jacob came out of their classrooms and we were just about to leave when Kimberly's teacher, Mrs Scott walked towards us.

"Miss Lawson?"

I smiled at the middle aged brunette and nodded, "Yes?"

"May I have a word about Kimberly?"

I nodded for a second time and wondered why Mrs Scott wanted to talk about Kimberly. I hoped she hadn't been naughty, I always wanted her to be good at school.

"What's the problem?"

She sighed and I bit my lower lip for a second; "I'm afraid Kimberly was caught fighting in the playground. She'd pushed another girl over and when asked, Kimberly said that she deserved it. We told Kimberly it wasn't correct behaviour but I thought I would mention it."

I smiled softly, thanked her for telling me and left the playground. The journey home was nosy, Samuel gurgling, crying etc, Kimberly telling me how school had gone. I looked around the bus before I said gently; "You hit a girl today didn't you?"

Kimberly folded her arms across her chest, "She deserved it."

"How many times Kimberly, you don't hit somebody."

"You and daddy do." She answered back, her arms still folded across her chest. I sighed. How could I tell her off when Ronan and I were doing the same thing?

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**jottings —** i am so sorry this is really late but college+work+placement have been so busy! i'm trying to update once a week because that's better then nothing right? once again, i'm really sorry and if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	6. CHAPTER VI

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**CHAPTER SIX**.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" I screamed at the top of my voice as I pushed Ronan into the cabinet in the living room. The photos inside shook around and he pushed me back against the wall, his hand around my throat.

"_Don't _fucking start Poppy, I'm not in the mood."

I looked him in the eyes and all I saw was anger and hate. I smirked and brought my knee to his balls. As he loosened his grip on my throat, he stumbled backwards and I pushed him before trying to leave for the living room door.

He must've known what I was trying to do because he grabbed my hair and pulled me back towards him. Once I was back where he wanted me, he threw me back into the wall again and grabbed me around my cheeks.

"You're a whore." He said gently and I slapped him across the face, "Fuck you, you wanker."

"Brave aren't you?"

"Fuck you." I spat in his face and he spat back in mine. I don't remember how long we'd been fighting, knocking each other around the room but he slouched off to bed. I decided I was going to sleep on the sofa this evening and took a pillow and a blanket from the lining cupboard and sat down on the sofa.

I couldn't sleep so I decided to put on the television. There was an old film on on one of the channels, _Grease_ and it reminded me of Matilda, my twin sister. I got into the film only for it to be interrupted a couple of hours later with a knock on the door.

I looked at the clock and realised it was past midnight and wondered who was at the door.

I paused the film and stood up and walked towards the door. I took my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the door. Standing there on the doorstep with her pull along suitcase and a huge teddy bear was my sister Matilda.

"Tilda?"

"Pops?"

I smiled and moved aside to allow her into the house. As I closed the door I wondered why she'd come to see me in Scotland. Scotland was a very long way from home. She must've read my mind because she put the suitcase in the corner, placed the teddy on top and turned to me.

She hugged me tightly and said gently; "Oh Pops, I've missed you so much. I love you."

"I love you too Tilda, what's wrong?"

She smiled, "Nothing. I'm just happy that's all, Kyle and I have finally ended it."

"Why?"

"He wanted a baby, I ain't ready for that shit Pops." She grabbed my hand and lead me into the living room. As she closed the door behind her, she put her hand on my cheek and asked gently; "How did you get the bruise?"

She stroked it gently, "I walked into a door silly."

"People don't walk into doors, people throw them into them." There was a pause and she tucked my hair behind my ear, "Is he beating you up?"

"No." There was a silence before Matilda answers back, "You know Pops, a real man wouldn't hit you."

"I know Tilda but I love him. The children are settled, I have to think about them don't I?" I hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead, "Seriously Tilda, don't worry about me. I know what I'm doing."

"I hope so." She answered back, sat down on the sofa and made herself at home. I fell asleep not long afterwards, my head in Matilda's lap. Matilda was coming back to Waterloo Road to finish off the second half of her A-levels as she wasn't sure if she wanted too last year.

Poor Waterloo Road, with the Campbell twins around, it definitely wouldn't know what had hit it.

/

I woke up to whispers and I frowned. I ached all over, remembering how uncomfortable the sofa was and stood up. I walked into the hallway to see the light on in the kitchen and as I walked towards the door, I peeped inside.

Ronan was stood by the kettle, Samuel in his arms and he was looking at him with a smile, talking to him. I hadn't seen a more adorable sight and I opened the door.

"Morning." I said gently to Ronan and he met my eye and smiled.

"Morning babe." He kissed my cheek as I reached him and I leant beside him. It was almost perfect, like the old days but I knew (as did he) that tonight, it would be more arguing, more tears and more blood.

The kettle boiled and I went to pick it up when I thought of something. As I turned to Ronan once more, I asked gently;

"Me and you, tonight at seven. Let's go out together, anywhere. A meal or something? Just me and you. Matilda will babysit."

I thought he'd say no and he's got better things to be doing. Instead he kissed my lips, nodded and smiled. Then after a silence he answered; "Meet me here at seven, I'll book somewhere for us to eat."

/

I left Ronan downstairs with Samuel as I went upstairs to get ready for school. I walked towards Kimberly's bedroom to find her sat on her bed, swinging her legs and reading to herself. I stood by the door and watched her for a moment. She must've felt my eyes on her before she turned to me and smiled.

I walked into the bedroom and took a seat beside her. There was nothing spoken until she asked; "Why do you and daddy fight?"

"I don't know Kimberly, me and daddy fight. We shouldn't because it's not nice."

"Miss Mackenzie says fighting isn't very nice."

"It isn't sweetie, it's not nice at all." I kissed the top of her head, "But I promise, mummy and daddy aren't going to fight anymore. There'll be no more tears or shouting. Mummy and daddy are going to be friends, okay? Don't be scared."

I wrapped my arms around her, kissed the top of her head again and hoped that tonight, Ronan and I would sort out our differences for our two children.

* * *

jottings — if you like it enough to favourite, please leave a review. i wonder how Matilda's going to react once she finds out Rihannon has being bullying her sister, definitely expect fireworks as this is matilda we're talking about. And Matilda isn't a quiet sort of person. :3


	7. CHAPTER VII

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**CHAPTER SEVEN**.

Kimberly got dressed for school and I kissed her and Samuel goodbye as Ronan was going to take them to school today. That left Matilda and I in the house after half eight, staring at the clock wondering what the hell to do with ourselves.

"Should we set off for school?" I asked and she nodded before running a hand through her hair.

"Do I look okay?" She asked as she applied some lipgloss to her lips. I put a hand on my hip and pouted at her, "Of course you look okay! You look stunning. You've even put weight on missy." I prodded her stomach, "Seriously, you look great. You're gonna turn some heads girl."

"And probably gain a tonne of haters too." She answers back, zipped up her makeup bag and shoved it into her handbag. I shrugged my shoulders as I picked up my jacket and my handbag and put it over my shoulder.

"Let the haters hate, when people hate it's because they're jealous bastards."

"I think you're right there Poppy." Matilda said as we left the house. I closed the door behind me, locked it and put the keys deep into my handbag. Ronan wouldn't be coming home, he'd be working at the fruit and veg stall as usual.

Matilda snacked her arm through mine as we walked along the street, "You nervous?" I questioned and glanced at my sister.

She smiled softly and shook her head, "Why would I be? I'm coming back to school?"

"I don't know, does it not — you know, feel strange to be back?"

"A little but this is what, the fourth time I've been back to school to finish my education? I'm not bothered about fitting in and all that other shit. I'm me, I'm Matilda Jones and you're my little sister Poppy Lawson and together, we're deadly."

She started to laugh and I joined her. It was true though, together we'd be deadly.

Waterloo Road was in for fireworks. Matilda and I reached school for half-past eight and I stood outside school and took out my packet of cigarettes and lit one up. As I blew the smoke in the opposite direction of Matilda, she prodded me hard in the arm.

"Tut tut, smoking's bad for you."

I smirked and shook the box in her direction. She shook her head and smiled softly, "Mum would kill you if she found out."

"Good job she won't then innit?" I answered back, took a drag on the cigarette and blew out the smoke; "What time's your appointment with Mr Byrne?"

Matilda shrugged her shoulders, "8:45, 9-00. I actually can't remember, would probably be better if I got there early wouldn't it? Impress them and all that."

"Well I don't think Mr Byrne would be happy if you turned up late on your first day."

After I finished my cigarette, I flicked the cigarette bud into the drain and linked arms with Matilda again. We walked into the school and towards the reception desk. When we got inside, I told Matilda that I would take her to Mr Byrne's office.

"Look at you, you geek!" She said and I punched her in the arm playfully, "Shush."

We got to Mr Byrne's office for 8:45, the time of her appointment and I hugged her tightly, "Good luck. Let's hope you're in my form otherwise I'm gonna be a proper billy. I love you." I kissed her cheek and left, making my way to my own form room.

I was a couple of minutes late but it was safe to say Ms Mulgrew didn't notice. I sat down in my usual seat near the back of the classroom and noticed that Rihannon was absent. That itself was strange, she was never absent!

Ms Mulgrew did the register and then told the class that they could talk for the last ten minutes. I stared at the desk, playing with the rings on my fingers wondering how Matilda was getting on.

"You alright?" Josh asked and I looked up. I smiled softly and nodded my head; "Yeah yeah, why?"

"You're really quiet that's all."

"I'm just thinking."

"About?" I sighed and twisted the ring on my index finger four times. As I made eye contact with Josh again, I answered;

"I'm thinking about Matilda." I leant over and whispered in his ear, "She's with Mr Byrne, she's coming back to do the final part of her A-levels."

"So has she moved up here?" He asked and I nodded, "She's living with me and Ronan, Kimberly and Samuel. It's cramped but it's great to have her back!"

"Does she know about Ronan?"

"That he hits me?" Josh nodded and I nodded too. She knew, she guessed right away but how did I expected her not too? Matilda didn't miss a trick. Like she said, people don't walk into doors, people throw you into them.

There was a knock on the classroom door and Mr Byrne opened the door. We all stood up from the desk in respect and Matilda followed him through the door. As Mr Byrne was telling Ms Mulgrew about Matilda being in her form, Matilda caught my eye and smiled.

I smiled back and I knew, I knew everything was going to be okay. It had to be.

"Take a seat behind Poppy please." Ms Mulgrew told Matilda and pointed to me. As she walked towards the desk at the back of the classroom where Rihannon usually sat, she dropped her bag on the desk, pulled out her chair and sat down.

She waited a couple of minutes before she leant over the table and whispered; "It's good to be back."

"It's good to have you back sis." I smiled as Josh said something similiar. It felt like the old days again, Matilda, Josh and I. Forever getting up to mischief and annoying the teachers of Waterloo Road. It gave me an idea, maybe I could organise a reunion?

"He's fit." I heard behind me and I turned around and stared Matilda in the eye. She was looking at a lad at the front of the classroom and I shook my head and laughed. Matilda was definitely back in the building.

* * *

**jottings** — i've loved writing poppy and matilda again, they're wonderful. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please review;3


	8. CHAPTER VIII

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* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT**.

The first lesson Matilda and I had together was Science. As I was walking down the corridor, Rihannon collided with me and sent me flying into Matilda. Matilda caught my eye, shook her head and grabbed Rihannon's arm.

"Oi." She said, "I know you're a fat fuck but please, watch where you're walking."

She let go off her arm and began to follow me down the corridor. She snaked her arm through mine and we began to laugh.

"Who the fuck is that?" She asked and I sighed deeply, "You don't wanna know Til."

"She been giving you crap?"

"Something like that." I mumbled and Matilda rubbed my arm up and down, "Trust me Pops, she won't now I'm here."

I smiled softly. My sister was a great protecter, I'd forgotten how good. I remember back home when we were younger and someone gave me a bit of trouble on the streets. All you'd have to do was mention Matilda's name and they'd run a bloody mile.

When we got to Science, (I have no idea why Matilda chose it for Alevel), Sian said she was pleased to see her back.

Matilda blushed as red as a tomato when she said that! She mumbled thanks and took a seat beside me at the back of the classroom. There was a silence for a moment or two before she leant over and whispered in my ear; "Do you have a spare pen?"

I rolled my eyes as I unzipped my pencil case and handed her a black pen. Some things never change with Matilda, _never._

/

"Have you thought about going to Uni?" Matilda asked as we left Science an hour later. I had but I didn't want to admit that to her so instead I shrugged my shoulders, "A little bit, what about you?"

"A little. It'll be great Pops, boys, drink, parties."

"Studying Matilda, that's why we're there after all."

"Of course." She laughed, "You know Pops, you should definitely go to University. I mean you're smart and funny and bloody wonderful. University is definitely for people like you."

"And you. You're smart too." I fiddled with the ring on my finger and smiled softly. We went outside and stood round the corner whilst I had a sneeky cigerette in the fifteen minute break.

"I thought you'd given up." She asked and I nodded. I had but my habit started again after the arguments between Ronan and I. I blew the smoke in circles before I sighed and sat down on the floor.

"You know Tilly, I love him even if all we do is fight. I'm not ready to give up on him yet, I'm not ready to give up on _us_."

"It's not right Pops, you shouldn't be smacking each other. Especially not in front of Kimberley and Samuel. Remember us Poppy, when mum and dad were fighting. Mum killed dad Pops, that's why we got split up. You don't want that to happen to Kimberley and Samuel do you?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to think of life without Ronan or my children and I knew something needed to be done.

As I stubbed out my cigarette, I looked up at my sister and whispered; "I don't want to be alone Tilly."

"You're not going to be alone silly." She answered back and held my hand, "You've got me and mum."

That was true, Matilda and my mother were in my life however, after I announced I was pregnant with Samuel, my mother had disowned me pretty much.

"I don't think mum will be too pleased to see me will she?"

"She'd still want you back Pops, you're her little girl after all."

"Hmm." She handed me a piece of paper with my mother's number written on it and I stared at the paper for ages. Eventually I folded it in half and placed it in my pocket and turned to Matilda. I smiled softly and squeezed her hand.

I heard a beep and I realised my phone was going off. I reached into my handbag and opened up the text message I had received.

It was from Ronan.

_Got a surprise for u. Meet me at lunch? ily xx_

I frowned, wondering why he'd want to surprise me. I bit my lower lip and texted back that I'd meet him later on. I put my phone back in my handbag, stood up from the floor and linked arms with Matilda, once again going back inside aware that we were already five minutes late for lesson.

/

We'd only just stepped into the corridor when Mrs McFall caught us both.

"Excuse me girls, where should you be?"

I bit my lower lip and turned around, "We were just on our way to lesson Miss."

"As you should be, remember to listen to the bell next time."

"We will Miss, we're sorry. Can we go know?" She nodded and we left the corridor as quickly as possible. As we turned the corner Matilda started to laugh and pulled me where the basement was.

"Tilly, what _are_ you doing?"

She took a bottle of vodka out of her handbag and smiled; "Having a party, come on Pops, you know you want too."

Reluctantly I agreed but I had a feeling it wouldn't end well . . . .

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please review? anyone wanna guess what ronan's surprise is? :3


	9. CHAPTER IX

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* * *

**CHAPTER NINE**.

"Tilly, mum always said you were a bad influence." I smirked as I sat down in the basement. The place wasn't too shabby, actually cosy in a weird way. She sat next to me, unscrewed the lid of the vodka and handed it to me.

"Try not to have too much." Matilda stated and I shook my head and stook my tongue out, "I'm not having any, you can but I'm not."

"Suit yourself." She necked half the bottle and started to laugh. Sack getting drunk I thought one of us would have to look after Matilda. Matilda wasn't like me unfortunately, she couldn't handle her drink.

_Yet_ she still insisted on drinking so much.

"Do you ever wish we'd never have met?"

I shook my head and grabbed her arm; "Tilly, are you crazy? If I hadn't met you I hate to think where I would've ended up. Probably dead in a ditch or something."

"But life is shit." Matilda sighed, "Worse so since I came into your life, maybe da—"

I squeezed her arm, "Don't even go there Tilly, nothing and I mean nothing is your fault! Ronan and I fight and argue but that's not your fault. We argue because we're nobs who can't communicate with each other."

There was a silence before I felt my mobile phone vibrate in my pocket. As I took it out, I noticed it was Ronan and wondered what he wanted! We were meeting later on and what was so urgent! I answered the phone and pressed it to my ear.

"What's so flipping urgent?"

_"Can I see you before lunch?"_

I rolled my eyes and smiled; "You really do want to show me the surprise don't you?"

_"Yes."_

"Well I'll come now then shall I?" After a couple of minutes Ronan and I decided that I'd go and see him now instead of later on. I told Matilda to cover for me, telling my tutors that I had an urgent _Doctor's appointment_ to attend to.

"And you say I'm the bad one?" Was the last thing I heard as I left Matilda and walked out of the school, towards the place I called home.

/

I opened the door and pushed it open, stepping into the house; "Ronan, I'm home."

I sniffed, finding myself smelling food and frowned. Ronan cooking? Now there was something fishy going on definitely. Ronan never cooked, it was always me who did that, it was an unspoken agreement.

"Ronan?"

"Stay there." I heard him call from the kitchen and I laughed. I took off my shoes and left my school bag on the bottom step. When I was finished Ronan came out of the kitchen, walked towards me and told me to close my eyes.

"Why?"

"Just do it." I did. I closed my eyes and he placed his hands over my eyes before instructing me to walk into the kitchen. I walked in the direction of the kitchen slowly, careful not to bump into anything and Ronan told me to keep my eyes closed.

When he told me it was safe to open, the kitchen had been transformed! The table was a candlelit dinner for two and there was a plate of chips each, both our favourite food and I found Ronan on one knee, a small box in his hand.

Oh god, he wasn't doing what I thought he was, was he?

"I have been the biggest idiot on the planet Poppy and I'm so sorry. The way I've treated you, Kimberly and Samuel recently is shocking and I promise, it will never happen again. I'll never, ever hit you again and I'm sorry I ever did. Poppy Lawson, will you marry me?"

Marriage? Me? Married to Ronan?

I jumped up and down and squealed, "Are you being serious?"

"It's not a joke Poppy, I really want to marry you."

I looked down at him and I nodded, "Yes, yes I'll marry you." He stood up, slid the ring onto my finger and kissed me deeply on the lips. I rested my head in his chest and smiled, perhaps fairytales did exist after all. Maybe Kimberly and I were about to get ours.

"I think we need to celebrate." I whispered in his eye and he smiled, "What are you thinking?"

I smirked, winked at him and dragged him out of the kitchen and up the stairs. We had plenty of hours left until we had to collect the children so we'd might as well make the most of our _alone time together._

* * *

**jottings** — so poppy's engaged but is everyone going to happy about the young couples engagement? or will there be a few fireworks? apologises for the long delay in updating, college/coursework etc has been terrible. as always, like? give us a review please :3


	10. CHAPTER X

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN**.

I went back to school after lunch, my eyes constantly attracted to the ring that was now on my finger. It was strange to say the least, strange to be engaged to the man of my dreams. I knew that been engaged brought more trouble to us, more trouble than we could handle.

"Guess who?" I heard as someone covered my eyes outside the school grounds. I was just finishing my cigarette, the bell for afternoon lessons hadn't rang yet and I was studying the ring.

"Tilly?" I asked and laughed. It was always Matilda, nobody else had the mentality to do such a thing. She removed her hands from my eyes and stood in front of me, "Well go on, what was the surprise?"

I showed her my hand and pointed to the ring that occupied my finger, "This."

She didn't smile or say anything for a moment. Then she sighed deeply and answered; "Is that a good idea Pop?"

I sighed, "Probably not but it's all I've wanted. I've got two children and we're engaged, we're happy."

"But you're not." She answered and looked at me, "You're not happy. You and Ronan all you do is argue and fight. That's not an environment to bring up children, if you can't communicate now, you'll never be able to communicate when you're married."

"Leave it Til."

"No." She replied and I stared at her and pushed her into the railing, "You know I always knew you were a selfish, attention seeking whore but I never thought you'd try and split me and Ronan up. I know why, it's so you can get your grubby hands on him yourself isn't it? Fucking whore!"

_Slap!_

The left side of my face suddenly began to sting and I realised that she'd slapped me. We both stared at each other knowing this, this could get ugly. When Matilda and I had a fight, it'll only end in one way. One if not both of us hurt.

"And what are you going to do if I have been sleeping with Ronan. He told me I'm much better in bed than you!"

I grabbed her hair and pulled her down to the floor, "I thought I could trust you, obviously not. You're not better than a fucking prozzie, destroying homes. Bet you couldn't keep your hands off Kyle's dad could you? Bet he realised what a slag you really are."

A fist collided with my mouth and I began to taste blood. I let go off her hair and stepped back before spitting on the floor. Sure enough I was bleeding.

"Poppy I'm s—"

"Piss off before I knock your teeth don't your throat." I slowly began to walk through the gates off the school, my lower lip bleeding heavily. I pressed the back of my hand to it and stared at the blood on my hand.

/

"I don't expect to see two of our year thirteen's fighting in the playground." Mr Byrne said to Matilda and I. My mouth had stopped bleeding and had become a little swollen and I had a slap mark across my face. Matilda, Matilda the lucky cow didn't have a scratch on her.

"_She_ started it!" I jabbed a finger in Matilda's direction, "She hit me first, it's only fair I hit her back."

"I don't care who started it, I want it to end now. You'll be both put in the cooler this afternoon."

I rolled my eyes and followed Matilda out of the office. She refused to talk to me and vice versa, I wasn't going to apologise first, she hit me first after all! I chewed my lower lip and slowly walked towards the cooler.

Matilda knocked on and pushed the door open. She explained to the teacher that we'd both been sent here and took a seat at the back of the cooler. I took a seat near the front, unfortunately right in front of Rihannon.

This. This would be fun.

/

I was trying to write something in the exercise book when something hit the back of my head. I looked behind me to find Rihannon smirking and I turned back around. I knew if she carried on, Matilda would do something about it.

She did eventually.

Rihannon kicked the back of my chair and I looked at her. Matilda knew what was happening, stood up and marched over to her.

"Fat cow, I suggest you leave my sister alone." She grabbed her hair and dragged her off the chair and pushed her. Rihannon stumbled and Matilda launched a fist onto her right hand side of her face.

"Fight, fight, fight." The three students in the cooler were chanting. I stood back and smiled as Rihannon got battered by my sister. There was, at one point, when Matilda got hurt where I had to join in. I slapped Rihannon hard around the face until she let go off my sister's hair.

It was safe to say, Matilda and I were dragged back to Mr Byrne, giving a bollocking and suspended for the rest of the week. Apparently according to some rumours Matilda and I were running a school gang. A gang? Matilda and I? No we were the kindest people you'd ever meet.

On the bright side, three days off school with Matilda would be amazing. Just think of the money I'd save on childcare costs.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	11. CHAPTER XI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**.  
_rewrite every line to the story of you and me._

* * *

When Matilda and I returned to school following our week exclusion, we or rather I wasn't too impressed to discover who'd been placed in the PRU. The PRU stood for the Pupil Referral Unit where the disruptive children went.

Of course it pissed me off because, well I'd been bullied and I'd stuck up for myself so to be told I'd be punished for that got me mad. I walked into the room, closely followed by Matilda only for my eyes to fall upon Rihannon.

I definitely didn't want to be in the same room as her but I decided I'd have to live with it. I was going to be part of the PRU from now on. I smiled at Scout who was sat beside her and sat down at a table at the back of the classroom. Matilda stood outside, arms folded across her chest, refusing to enter.

"I ain't coming in with that fat cow," Nicki looked at Matilda and I sighed. This was my problem to deal with and if I could sit in the same room as her, so could Matilda. I looked at Matilda, met her gaze and told her;

"Look Tilly, I can't stand the cow either but come on, we'll both do it ey?"

Matilda thought long and hard before she nodded quickly and entered the classroom. She sat down beside me and dropped her bag on the floor. Not long after we'd joined the PRU, two others entered, a boy and a girl named Kacey and Barry Barry.

"Why are we even here?" Scout asked but before Nicki had chance to answer, I replied; "It's cos they think we're disruptive and thick."

"Thank you," Nicki answered, "It could be that you've got certain issues or your rude and disruptive. The PRU can help." As she said about being rude, she noticed Kacey flicking chewing gum in the direction of Phoenix. Matilda smirked and whispered into my ear,

"This is going to be fun isn't it, sis?"

I laughed until a chill ran down my spine as I heard the ringing of my mobile phone. I saw Miss Boston walk towards me before I even had chance to switch it off and she stood before me, her hand outstretched waiting for my phone.

"Sorry Miss, it won't happen again."

"Hand me your phone and you can collect it at the end of the lesson."

"But Miss," she wouldn't allow me to explain that one of the reasons why I had my phone on was in case anything happened to the children. Matilda was about to open her mouth and fight my corner for me but I stared at her, causing her to retreat.

I turned off my phone and handed it to Nicki agreeing to collect it again at the end of the lesson. I wasn't the only one who's phone was confiscated during the first five minutes of our new "daily lesson", Scout had her phone took off her too. I couldn't help but think Miss Boston was been a little unreasonable.

"Listen up, here's how your day's going to start. We'll start with circuit training," the classes enthusiastic reply of groans were met by a laugh, "Trust me, you'll benefit from a physical workout."

I sighed. I didn't fancy doing exercise so early in the morning. I didn't need any either, I got enough running around after two little ones.

"I think she's the only one who needs a workout," my sister shouted whilst pointing in the direction of Rihannon. The whole class laughed out loud but I shook my head. For my sister, that was a low blow to bring somebody's weight into it.

/

"Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three," I muttered under my breath as I continued to do my sit ups. My stomach killed but I pushed through the pain, it was like labour, you had to keep going you couldn't stop. I glanced over at Matilda and smiled as she picked the nail varnish off her nails.

"Twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six," I carried on knowing that any minute now I'd probably die.

"You're doing great Poppy, keep it up." Miss Boston said before she blew her whistle and made up swap over our exercises. I groaned and lay down, staring at the ceiling as I tried to regain control of my breathing and stop the pain in my stomach.

I stood up, ready to move on to the next activity when the room began to spin. I stumbled to one side and caught the attention of Matilda. She put a hand on my arm to steady me and walked me over to the bench, "You alright sis?"

I nodded, "Yeah, yeah I'm fine, I must've stood up too fast." I smiled to reasurre her I was okay but judging by the look I got, I don't think she believed me. It was unsurprising really considering by the end of the circuit training, I'd gone dizzy a total of five times.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	12. CHAPTER XII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TWELVE**.  
_you know its just a little too late._

* * *

"Poppy, can I have a word?"

I was the only one left in the changing rooms after PE and I nodded. I sat down on the bench and looked at the floor as Nicki stood in front of me. I already knew what she was going to say, she was going to talk about my funny turns.

"Are you okay? Matilda told me you felt a little dizzy earlier."

"I'm fine," I smiled to prove I was, "Honestly, I am. I didn't eat this morning and that workout knocked the wind out of me really."

"You didn't eat?" I made eye contact with her and shook my head; "Spare me the lecture please. I do try to eat but sometimes I forget or I'm too busy, I mean I'm lucky to get the remains of Samuel's breakfast. Can I go now?"

Nicki nodded and I stood up, put my bag over my shoulder and slowly began to walk out of the changing rooms. I followed the corridor back to the PRU and reached the classroom. As I walked into the classroom, I walked in and sat down beside Matilda.

"What did she want?"

She glanced at Nicki who was walking into the classroom, "Oh she was trying to give me a lecture for not eating. I told her not to bother because I know it all."

"She's got a point though Pops, you really should eat. You've gone dizzy five times already and we're not even in second period yet."

I rolled my eyes and folded my arms across my chest, "Will you shut up! You don't realise how hard it is raise two children almost on your own. Just leave me alone, I'm fucking sick of everyone getting involved in my business, back off."

/

Matilda and I hardly spoke all day but in the end we made up. We were sat in the unit, discussing what we were doing tonight when Nicki asked for our attention. We stopped talking and she told us her car had been nicked and she knew it was down to one of us.

She questioned Scout first because Scout had taken her phone and her letter back from her handbag but I couldn't help but notice the look Matilda gave Barry. I had a feeling she'd had something to do with it. I hope she hadn't. This year was meant to be a fresh start for both of us.

"Did you do it?"

"Me? Never," she laughed and I looked at her. I knew she had. I knew she'd stolen Nicki's car. I sighed deeply, she'd partnered up with Barry Barry and now she was going to make an enemy out of Miss Boston.

"Matilda, please tell me you didn't."

"Relax, I know what I'm doing." I rolled my eyes. I hoped she knew what she was letting herself in for. This year was meant to be a fresh start and instead, she was going to ruin it by joining forces with Barry Barry.

/

I got home for four, or was it four-fifteen. Ronan was still at work, not due back for another hour and Matilda said she'd be home later as she had something she needed to do. I breathed a sigh of relief when I walked through the doors of home.

All I wanted to do was put my feet up and relax but I knew I couldn't. I was lucky that Samuel was sleeping in his pram so I was able to help Kimberly with her maths homework. As we sat at the table, I asked her how school was.

"Okay mummy, I played with Rosie and Michael and Dylan and Jack," she paused as she wrote the figure of eight next to one of the sums.

"Oh really, what did you play?"

"On the bikes, and the dollies."

"Oh wow, sounds like you had fun!" My mobile phone buzzed on the table beside me. I picked it up and saw a text message of Ronan. As I read it, I sighed. He was going to be home late which meant I had to look after the children again.

I dropped my phone back on the table and sighed, I hated been a "single" mum to two little ones. I wished I could turn back time, that way I would never have had either of them. That thought made me feel guilty because I loved them more than life itself.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	13. CHAPTER XIII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**  
_i know you have a little life in you yet._

* * *

I cooked, I cleaned, I helped with Kimberly's homework. I fed Samuel, I bathed them both, I put them both to bed, I did my own homework. I ironed and I washed the clothes. I made sure Ronan's tea was in the oven. I sat down exhausted and rested my head on the sofa and cried.

I hated been alone. I hated been rushed of my feet twenty-four seven. I hated not having a social life. I hated been lonely and never having anyone to talk too about how I feel, how it felt to look after two little ones and still try to act young.

I poured myself a glass of wine and glanced at the clock. It was just coming up to eight-fifteen and I heard the scratching of a key in the front door. The door opened wide and I heard the familiar voice of Ronan,

"I'm home!"

"Wake up the kids why don't you?" I shouted back. He walked into the living room, put down his bag and his jacket on the chair and sat down. He looked at me for a minute before he answered; "What's got you in such a mood?"

"Lets see shall we, oh that's right, you."

"Me? What've I done?"

"Shall we start with what haven't you done? You said, no you promised you'd be back by six so I could go out to Scout's. You promised but your other whore is far too important than your family."

"I was working, working. I can't just shut up shop for you because you want a social life. It's _my_ job that pays the rent in case you've forgotten. If it wasn't for me getting a job, we'll have nothing!"

"I ain't stupid Ronan so don't treat me like I am. One night that's all I ask. One night so I can go and see my friends and no, you can't be bothered to come home on time. Just once Ronan I want you to take responsibility for this household, _our_ household!"

"You should deal with the house, I work all day!"

That pissed me off so much that I threw the wine glass in his direction. It landed at his feet and shattered to pieces,

"Ronan don't start! I go to school all day where I attempt to get an education. Then I come home and practically single-handedly raise _our_ children, cook, clean, iron, wash, put the children to bed. Then I attempt to get my homework done as well as everything else. What is it you do? Oh that's right, nothing. You come home and expect your tea to be ready and waiting. So why don't you fuck off and get out of my face!"

He stormed out, slamming the door. The bang woke Samuel up and he began to cry. I sighed as I necked the rest of the bottle and made my way up the stairs, heading towards his bedroom.

"Shut up," I whispered; "shut up, shut up, shut up!"

I wanted him to be quiet. I wanted him to shut up, to stop crying, to go back to bed so I could drink some more. He wouldn't. He kept screaming and crying and I found myself reaching into the cot, holding him out at arms length.

I shook him three times, screaming at him to shut his mouth.

I snapped out of my trance and looked at my baby, my beautiful baby boy and immediately felt the guilt wash over me. What an earth had I done? What the fuck had I done to my baby? I pulled him close, tears streaming down my cheeks and kissed him repeatedly whilst whispering how sorry I was.

I placed him back in the cot and left the bedroom. I knew I had to leave. I'd almost shaken my baby to death and why? Because I was pushed to the brink and I couldn't do this any longer. I was falling apart and the children were better off without me.

I left the house, leaving them both on their own. I was scared of myself and what I was capable off. I loved them more than life itself so why had I done what I'd done to Samuel? I realised I had to go, now before I killed one of them, if not both.

/

I ended up at an off-license, buying a large bottle of vodka. I decided to head to the park to "clear my head", vodka in one hand and my packet of cigarettes in the other. I head for the children's play area where I sit underneath the slide.

I drink. I smoke. I wait for time to go by. I reflect on how shit my life's become.

I knew, oh boy did I know how difficult life would be bringing Samuel into the world. I hated him. I hated how he'd ruined my life, how he'd ruined Kimberly's and mine and Ronan's relationship. Of course I was to blame, he hadn't asked to be born.

Everyone hated me, they hated that I was the cause of all their shitty problems. Me. Me and my son.

I finished the vodka quicker than I intended too, not realising how difficult it made everything. I stood up, using the slide as support and watched as everything spun around. I laughed out loud as I fell forward, stopping the fall with my hands.

I grazed my knees and the palms of my hands and laughed.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	14. CHAPTER XIV

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**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**.  
_cos it's the remix to the ignition._

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I didn't know where I was heading but I found myself stumbling towards the School House. I knew nobody would be up but I really, really needed to talk to Scout. She'd know what to do, she always knew what to do.

I fell god knows how many times on the way. It didn't hurt though, the alcohol was providing a mask for any pain I felt. I could no longer feel the emotional pain either, but I wasn't drunk enough to forget that I shook Samuel half to death.

I was right. When I reached the School House, everybody was asleep. I should've at that point turned around and gone back to mine. I didn't. Instead, I noticed that the living room window was slightly open. I stumbled towards it, pushed it open further and began to make my way into the house.

I cursed as I fell into the house, colliding with the coffee table. I started to giggle as I stood up. At that moment, the living room light switched on and in front of me stood Mrs Budgen, hands on hip.

"What the hell is this?"

"Need to see Scout," I answered and stumbled into the table again, "Sworry about the mess."

/

I stood outside school, packet of paracetamol in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. I swallowed two tablets hoping they'd take away the splitting headache I had from drinking far too much last night.

I put both items back into my bag and was about to turn into school when I heard Ronan's voice. He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him;

"Where did you go last night?"

"Could ask you the same thing!"

"Don't get smart Poppy," I sighed and pulled my arm free; "I got drunk okay? I got pissed out of my fucking head and I slept on a friend's floor. Is that alright or did I need your permission to have a social life?"

"Don't push me!" He warned but I wasn't having any of it, "Fuck you, you wanker!" I pushed him and slapped him hard across the face. He grabbed my arm again and held me tightly, "Who did you stay with?"

"None of your business."

"I came home last night to find Matilda looking after the kids. She said you'd gone, you'd left them. Are you crazy? You left a six month old and a four year old on their own. Do you know what could've happened?"

I pulled my arm free again, "It was a lot better than the alternative, you arriving home to two dead kids."

The side of my face began to hurt and I realised he'd slapped me, "Don't talk shit you crazy bitch." At that minute Mrs McFall walked towards us and asked us what was going on. I told her it was nothing and Ronan began to walk away.

We both walked into the school in silence when she asked; "Who's he?"

"My boyfriend," I sighed deeply and pushed my bag further onto my shoulder. There was a silence for a second, "I couldn't help but overhear your comment, about the two dead babies. What did you mean Poppy?"

I made eye contact with her, hoping she wouldn't see through my lies; "Nothing Miss, it was the only thing I could think of saying to hurt him. We're toxic together but we're together because nobody else will have us." I smiled and began to walk down the corridor, leaving Mrs McFall to wonder about my outburst.

/

"Poppy, what happened?"

That was the first thing Matilda asked when she saw me. She touched my cheek, the heat against her palm and she shook her head; "Him?"

I nodded and answered; "I hit him first so I deserve it," there was an uncomfortable silence between us before she pulled me into a hug. As we hugged, she whispered in my ear; "What happened last night? I came home to the kid's alone. I know you wouldn't have done it without reason."

I shook my head, "Leave it Tilly please."

"Pops, Samuel's got bruises on him. Did you hurt him?" She couldn't say anything as my fist collided with her mouth. She cursed calling me a bitch and throwing me into the wall, "What the fuck are you trying to say Tilly, that I'd hurt my little boy!"

She grabbed my hair and I grabbed hers, "You know Ronan was always right about you, you're a crazy bitch!"

"When did he tell you that, when you were fucking each other? You're welcome to each other, you're both poisionous fuckers!"

She caught me in the mouth once before Miss Boston tried to separate us. I let go off Matilda's hair first realising I was in the wrong. She was right. Everything she was saying. I really was a crazy bitch who'd tried to hurt Samuel. I hurt my little boy and I couldn't live with myself.

"Will someone please explain to me what that was about?"

Matilda and I made eye contact, both of us against the wall with our arms across our chest. I shook my head; "It was nothing, just a family disagreement. It ain't got nothing to do with you so I wouldn't poke your nose in if you know whats best for you."

Miss Boston took one look at me and answered; "Mr Byrne, now!"

I sighed, picked up my bag and walked in the direction of the office. It wasn't even nine and I was already in trouble, great.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	15. CHAPTER XV

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**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**.  
_girl look at that body, look at that body._

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"Not a great morning for you is it?"

I shrugged, not really listening to what Mr Byrne was saying. I stared ahead, not making eye contact. I didn't see the point. He was going to bollock me whether I looked at him or not.

"I had Mrs Budgen come in and see me this morning. She said you broke into the school house last night, you were drunk and you broke some furniture. Is that true?"

I shrugged again and he continued; "I asked you a question."

I sighed; "I fell in I didn't _break_ in, that's a lie."

"I then had Mrs Mcfall come and see me. Do you know what she said?"

I shook my head; "No but I'm sure you're going to tell me."

He ignored my comment and continued; "Now Miss Boston tells me you've been fighting with your own sister. Is there something the matter?"

I stood up, kicked my bag towards the door and listened as Mr Byrne told me not to bother walking out because I'd be in serious trouble. I opened the door and did a runner. I needed some air, I couldn't stand there anymore and listen to it.

/

I sat on the edge of the roof, swinging my legs backwards and forwards. I don't know why I came to the roof, it was just easier. I was able to think clearer, especially with the wind blowing through my hair.

I couldn't help but remember last night. Holding Samuel, screaming at him, shaking him three times. I closed my eyes wanting to forget. I'd rather throw myself of here, now, rather than live with the guilt anymore.

What if next time I didn't stop?

"Poppy? Why are you on the roof?"

I turned to the voice and made eye contact with Mrs McFall and I shrugged, "It's nice up here."

"You should come down before you fall."

"That wouldn't be such a tragic thing would it?" I glanced down at the floor and answered; "Death doesn't scare me Miss, it's needed. I've done a terrible thing and I don't think I can go on."

"What did you do?"

I shot a look at Mrs McFall; "I'll come down once I've spoken to Miss Diamond." I don't know why I wanted to speak to Miss Diamond, I just thought she was the one person I could trust. Mrs McFall looked at me, nodded and slowly walked off.

I don't know how long she was gone but I carried on swinging my legs backwards and forwards until I heard a familiar voice; "Poppy, you wanted to talk to me?"

I turned every so slightly and briefly made eye contact, "Yes Miss."

"Do you want to go to my office?"

I shook my head. There was a silence for a couple of minutes before I answered; "The view it's nice up here. You can sit next to me you know, I promise I won't push you off."

Sian trusted me because she edged further towards me and sat down next to me. I continued to swing my legs, still wondering how I could explain what the hell I'd done to do this, to try and kill myself off the school roof.

"What's wrong?"

"I," I began but stopped. I felt ashamed, mortified that I'd even considered hurting my children as a temporary measure.

"Mrs McFall said you've done something terrible. What did you do Poppy?"

I sighed softly and turned to look at her, "Miss, Ronan and I had an argument. We — we fight all the time and last night, I got sick to death of the rows. I was so angry and then Samuel cried and—"

"You know it wouldn't be a tragic thing would it, if I threw myself off the top of this roof?"

"Don't talk like that."

"Why not I'm an evil person and I should die. I nearly killed Samuel last night, he wouldn't stop crying and I screamed and screamed and screamed but he didn't listen. I picked him up and I shook him. I shook him so hard and I feel so guilty Miss, I feel so guilty that I hurt him."

I burst into tears. Inside, although it felt horrible that I'd admitted to Miss Diamond that I'd harmed my son, it felt a relief too. I wasn't going crazy and the thoughts weren't running around my head as much. It felt like a huge cloud had been lifted off my shoulders.

"Come on," Sian held her hand out of me to take, "let's go and talk somewhere more private."

/

We were alone in the science classroom. I sat on the desk, a bunch of tissues clutched in my hands, "I hate saying this, I feel it makes me a bad person but, I can't cope anymore. Ronan and I beat each other up, Matilda and I fight too. The children, I love them but I can't cope with them on my own."

Sian smiled slightly, "Poppy it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you're human and you need help."

"I did break into the school house but that's because I had nowhere else to go. I was drunk. I couldn't go home, I couldn't face what I'd done. It's why Matilda and I were fighting. She knows, Tilly knows that I hurt Samuel and I don't want her too. Everyone knows how bad of a mother I am."

"Poppy?" I made eye contact with her before she continued; "You're a good person and an amazing mother. You just need a little help, a bit of a break from raising your children, even if it's just for the weekend. Those two days to yourself would be wonderful wouldn't it?"

"Miss?" It was her turn to make eye contact with me, "Would you help me?"

She smiled softly and nodded. I smiled back relieved that someone would be able to help me.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	16. CHAPTER XVI

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**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**  
_i'm always in this twilight_

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I felt a little better once I'd spoken to Miss Diamond. I went to the headmaster's office and knocked on the door before walking in. Sonya, Michael's PA was sat at the desk and I walked towards her,

"Is Miss Donnegan in?"

"Yes but she's busy, is it urgent?"

I nodded, "Kind of."

She nodded and I walked up to the door and knocked on. I waited until I heard her say come in then opened the door. As I stepped into the room, I asked if it was okay to talk to her. She answered it was and gestured for me to sit down.

"What can I do for you?"

"Erm," I paused for a second, collecting my thoughts before continuing; "there's a lot of things in school, support wise but I don't think there's enough for teenagers mothers. My suggestion is to bring something into this school specially designed for them."

"Like?" I made eye contact, "I don't know, a counseller? Something that stops mother's feeling so isolated. Maybe open a site on the school that's designed for teenage mother's. You've got the PRU for disruptive behaviour, why not a mother and baby unit for those with children?"

"It wouldn't work Poppy."

"Why not? Scotland has a high rate of teenage pregnancies, in 2007 it was forty-two point four in every a thousand pregnancies. If there was something to either deter teenagers from becoming parents or help and guidance to support them afterwards, we could really make a difference."

There was a pause on Lorraine's part and I answered; "At least consider it Miss, please. Almost all of teenagers who have a baby stay in povety. I don't want that for my children but I find it difficult to be here, to change our lives for the better."

"I'll think about it okay, but I can't promise anything."

"Okay Miss, thanks."

/

I slouched back to the PRU. I knocked on the door and walked into the classroom. My eyes met with Miss Boston's and I smiled a little;

"Sorry for this morning, I didn't mean to take it out on you."

She nodded and gestured for me to sit down. I walked slowly to where Matilda was sitting, dropped my bag on the floor and pulled out the chair. I sat down, crossed one leg over the other and began to listen to what Miss Boston was teaching us.

I touched Matilda's hand underneath the table and squeezed it. That was my unspoken apology and she seemed to accept it because she squeezed my hand back. I smiled softly, relieved that my sister didn't hate me.

At the end of the lesson, she whispered; "You did hurt Samuel didn't you?"

"Yes Tilly I did. He wouldn't stop crying and I shook him. I realised what I'd done and I had to leave him. I had to leave Kimberly."

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

"Why do you think? The less people who knew the better but it seems like everyone knows now." I sat on the table, swinging my legs backwards and forwards. Matilda caught Miss Boston's eye and then looked back at me, "What do you mean?"

"Well, Miss Diamond knows and I think Mrs McFall suspects something too."

"Why?"

"What's with the twenty-one fricking questions?" I jumped off the table and linked arms with Matilda. We left the classroom for break and ended up going to the smoking corner. We sat down on the floor as I pulled out my cigarettes. I put one in my mouth, found my lighter in my pocket and lit it up.

I took a drag before I answered Matilda's question; "This morning when Ronan and I were fighting. I told him me not returning home last night was better than the alternative, coming home and finding two dead babies. Mrs McFall overheard but she seemed to accept my explanation."

Matilda rubbed my arm, "You really are struggling aren't you?"

"Yes and I don't want the social to get involved because everyone knows what happens then."

"It might be different this time Poppy."

"No it won't," I answered back. If the Social got involved, they were going to take Kimberly and Samuel off me and split them up. Just like they had done to Matilda and I. They were going to take them away and I would never, ever get them back.

"I don't want them to split up my babies. I don't want my babies to go full stop," I took a drag off the cigarette and blew out the smoke, "I've been thinking — II might move back home, leave Ronan, get the help I need."

She looked at me, "Is that what you want?"

I nodded, "Ronan and I are never going to work, it's about time I realised that. I'm going to go home, see mum and hope she forgives me. If not, I'm sure I'll find something to do, somewhere to end up."

Matilda hugged me tightly, "I'm going to miss you so much sis."

"Me too, me too."

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	17. EPILOGUE

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**EPILOGUE**  
_she's so lucky so why does she cry?_

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"What are you doing?"

Ronan's voice broke through my thoughts and I dropped the photograph I was looking at. It was a picture of Ronan and I when we'd first met all those years ago, by the river in our school uniform. I made eye contact with him and answered;

"I'm leaving you."

He was silent, he didn't answer. Maybe he was like me, maybe he expected it to happen. To one day find me in the bedroom, packing a suitcase. He walked towards me and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Why?"

"Why do you think. Me and you we're toxic together these days. We used to be so friendly and sweet and innocent to each other." I handed him the photograph, "Back then neither of us would've thought about smacking each other. Back then we didn't realise we were going to have a baby either."

"But," he began and took my hand in his, "I'm sorry for the way I treat you and the kids. I'm really sorry. I worry Poppy, I worry about losing you and the children. I worry about losing the house, I take it out on you and the babies and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for bringing a baby into the relationship when neither of us were ready."

"You don't have to leave," Ronan squeezed my hand but I nodded, "I do. I think some time apart will do us good. If we have a break and see what it's like. If it's better then we'll stay apart forever. I won't stop you seeing the children, you can see them whenever you like."

"Where are you going?"

"Probably back to Rochdale, back to mum."

There's a pause on his part and he takes my hand in his again. He squeezes it and then lets go. He leaves and goes downstairs so I continue to pack the suitcase. I wasn't going to take everything, just the most important things we couldn't live without like clothes and money.

I remember dragging the suitcases downstairs and putting them into the car before going back for Samuel and Kimberly. I explained to Kimberly that mummy and Ronan were just having a little break from one another but she'd get to see him again.

I strapped them both in the car and walked back towards Ronan. As I hugged him tightly, I whispered; "I love you, I always will."

I walked back towards the car, got in the driver's side and closed the door. As I turned on the engine, I glanced back at Ronan and realised I was doing the right thing. We couldn't be together and this was the way forward, by leaving.

As I pulled out of the parking space and down the street, I realised for the first time since moving here, I was happy. I knew I'd always be happy as long as I had Kimberly and Samuel. Those were the only ones who mattered to be.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite, please leave a review! sorry it took ages to finally finish, i go through phases of what i'm liking/not liking. i wish Ronan and Poppy didn't have to split up but sometimes that's better. (:


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